Subject: Everyone
A skateboard
ripped through the busy Tokyo streets. Down the stairs, through the street, on
the curb, off the curb, and the curb again. The young man grinded to a stop
before whipping out his cell phone. He had one new message from James.
Sparking ur last spliff!
“Fuckers!” the
young man swore. He closed up his phone and skated down the path. A bus and cars
honked as he nearly skated in their path. The young man looked around as he kept
going. A police officer sat on his bike, enjoying his dango. The skater whizzed
by on his skateboard, knocking him and the bike over. The cop scrambled to his
feet and gave chase. The young man came up to construction workers working in
the road and used them as a ramp, sailing over them. The men screamed insults as
he skated away. The young man only grinded to a halt when he approached a dump
truck.
“Alex!” a boy
his age shouted as the skater dashed across the street. His friends, James and
BJ, sat at a table outside a coffee shop.
“This stuff is
fucking rubbish, by the way,” James said.
“Stop stealing
my fucking spliff!” Alex complained. “Morning gents, you thieving bastards.”
Behind him, the cop crashed into the dump truck. BJ broke into laughter as Alex
took a seat.
“Come on, I got
you some breakfast,” James said. He handed his friend a small bottle of sake.
Alex took out the lit joint.
“They allow to
serve sake at eight in the morning?” he asked, pointing at the shop. James
shrugged.
“I had a word,”
he said, tapping his nose. “Right, fucking BJ got some interesting thoughts on
the benefits of Takahashi as part of a balanced dietary pattern.”
“Yeah?” Alex
asked.
“Yes, well,” BJ
began “Calorifically it’s right up there with 392 energy units which is nothing
on the Kit Kat duo I’m having which has the additional drawback of twenty-eight
grams of fat. Although, I can call 1.2 grams of fibre which doesn’t feature in
your sake. However, you could argue, in some sense, that Crazy Milk constitute
one of your five a day.” As he spoke, James chuckled. Alex blew out smoke from
his joint.
“That’ll do me,”
James said before he took a drink. Alex took another smoke and BJ took a bit
into his Kit Kat.
“You’re not
having that, Al?” James asked as he pointed to Alex’s sake. He picked up the
bottle and took a drink.
“That’s his
fourth so far,” BJ said.
“Is that a good
idea?” Alex asked. “We have school in half an hour.”
“Yes, you’ll be
carrying an attention deficit into the day,” BJ said.
“Attention
deficit?” Alex asked. “Intelligence deficit.” James finished his drink and
burped aloud.
“Pig,” a woman
said as she pushed her stroller by.
“Well, maybe we
won’t go then,” James said.
“You’re gonna
bunk off your first day?” Alex asked.
“Alex!” James
said as he took the joint from his friend. “Mate, the sun’s shining. We’re
bevvied, spliffed, and sorted. That feels like the beginning of something. I’m
waiting.”
“For what?”
“The signal.”
“We’re starting
school, Jim.”
“No, Al, we’re
waiting. Something’s got to happen to start us off.”
“You’re running
a randomized fate model to determine whether you continue in full-time
education?” BJ asked.
“Yes! I need
motivation!” James said. “And it needs to be better than sitting in the sun with
you two drinking sake and smoking your blow.” He turned to the shop owner
outside.
“Takumi, have
you the same again?” he asked. “And sling a couple of them cherry shots on top!
Cheers, dude!” Alex chuckled.
“Shots?” he
asked.
“Yes! I can feel
it!” James said. “It’s got potential this day. It’s pregnant, huh?” He took
another smoke of the joint as Alex scratched the back of his head and sighs. BJ
smiled until something caught his attention.
“Shouldn’t
someone pick up that bike before it causes an acc--?” he asked. Crash! A nice
Toyota ran over said bike, swerved, and hit the shop sign. James broke into
laughter.
“For fuck sake,
Jesus shite!” Bill Williams shouted as he got out of the car. “Fuck! Where the
fuck did that…? What the fuck?” James laughed as Bill walked to the front of the
car.
“Oh look at it!”
the angry man shouted. “Look at it! Look at my fucking car!” He walked up to a
random old lady in the street.
“You saw that,
did you?” he asked her. “Did you? Did you not see it?”
“I don’t know,”
the old lady said. “You drove into the sign.”
“I did not!”
Bill shouted. “The fucking bike jumped out in front of me! You must have seen
it! You’re my witness, right? Are you blind? Why is everyone round here fucking
blind? I’m doing nothing!” Alex happened to look into the car and see Darcy
sitting in the passenger seat, smoking a blunt of her own.
“That girl’s
looking at you, Alex,” BJ said.
“Yeah,” Alex
said. He had the face of someone struck by the thunderbolt.
“Maybe she’s
looking at me,” BJ said with a smile.
“She’s not
looking at you, BJ,” Alex said.
“Okay,” his
friend said, disappointed. “Nice hair.”
“Yeah.”
“She's got nice
hair and nice eyes. And nice breasts, probably.”
“Shut up, BJ.”
Alex took in the view as Bill kept ranting like a lunatic.
“Nipples,” BJ
said. “We'll just imagine her bottom.”
“Are you
fucking…?” Bill asked. “Where's your fucking white stick, woman?”
“She's
absolutely lovely,” BJ said.
“You are as
stupid as you look! Ah, for fuck I want your mobile number,” Bill said to the
old lady.
“I don't have
one,” she said.
“Your fucking
email address, then! Look at the state of my fucking car!” the angry man
shouted. “You must have seen something, you demented bint!” He turned when he
heard groaning.
“What… What
happened?” James asked as he staggered forward with his hand on his head and red
on his cheek.
“Is that your
bike, you fucking idiot?!” Bill shouted.
“I was
signalling you just kept coming,” James said. Alex happened to look and notice
the bottle of used red sweet bean sauce and looked at the scene unfolding,
chuckling.
“I didn't even
see you! You came out of fucking nowhere!” Bill shouted.
“I was trying to
make you see me,” James said. You just kept coming, man!”
The man shook
his head. “No. That's bollocks. Now, Listen!”
“You fucked my
bike. You just ran straight through me.” James rubbed his head.
“That is not
right!” Bill looked around frantically. “You haven't got a witness. Nobody saw
me knock you off your bike.”
“I did,” the old
lady said. Bill turned to see her smiling.
“It was just
like he said,” she said. “You ran him over, and now he's bleeding.”
“Profusely,”
James said. The old lady nodded.
“Perhaps we
should call a policeman,” James said, reaching into his pocket. “I think it's a
crime to leave the scene of a…
“No, no, no!”
Bill said, pulling out his wallet. “There's no need for that. I'm sure we can
sort this out. Let me buy you a new bike.” James looked into the car and saw
Darcy smoking.
“Look, here,”
her dad said, shoving money into the boy’s face.
“Come on, take it! Take it!! Come on, have the lot. Have the whole
fucking lot!” He spilled some yen coins on the pavement. “Oh, bollocks! Forgive
and forget, OK? Forgive and forget, OK? OK?! All right.” Another man walked into
the scene as Darcy got out of the car
“Everything all
right, Oba-chan?” the man asked.
“Oh, yes,” Bill
said.
“Just a slight problem, all
sorted out now. Yes.” Darcy walked by James and ran her finger down his cheek
with a cat-like smile. She licked up the red bean sauce.
“He's an idiot,
he wrapped his car around that sign, and he's called me a demented bint,” the
old lady said.
“What the fuck
did you say to my grandma, man?” the man asked.
“Hello, nice to
meet you,” Bill said.
“Don't fucking,
"Hello," me!” the other man yelled.
“Sweet,” Darcy
said. BJ and Alex joined James as they watched her walk by.
“Dad says some
things are best left to the imagination,” BJ said as he stared at her fishnets
and black miniskirt. “But that's not right, is it?”
“Your dad's a
stupid tosser, BJ,” James said.
“Yes,” the
friend said. Darcy walked up to Tokyo Cram College campus.
“Do you think
she's going where we're going?” BJ asked.
“She is now,”
James said. He took one look at the arguing men before following Darcy. His
friends followed behind before Bill got head-butted by the other guy.
---------
Elsewhere, Yumi
was laying down clothes for what she wanted to wear to school today. After
several choices, she settled on the one she wanted and grinned. She read through
the Tokyo Cram College guide briefly before walking into the hallway. Yumi
frowned when she saw her younger brother peeking into the bathroom lock. She
sighed and hit him in the back of the head.
“Aarrgh!” the
little boy yelled. “Mama! Mama! Yumi nee-san hit me! Aargh!”
“Yumi-chan? Are
you hitting Daisuke-kun?” their mom asked.
“Sorry!” Yumi
lied. “Accident.” She kicked Daisuke in the side.
“Argh!” he
shouted. That was my head!”
“Shut up or I'll
tell her what you were doing.”
Daisuke rose to
his feet. “I've got a natural curiosity for a boy of my age.”
“Fuck off. And I
know it's you stealing our panties. They better not be sticky when I find them.”
Yumi put her hands on her hips as Daisuke ran away. She sighed and pounded on
the bathroom.
“Get the fuck
out of there, bitch!” she yelled. Yumi looked down the stairs. “Mom! Mom!”
“Who?” her mom
asked.
“It's me, Yumi,”
Yumi said. “Tell her to get out of the shower. She's making me late for
college.” Her twin, Misa, walked out of the bathroom.
“Gotta dash!”
their mom yelled. “Remember to make a packed lunch for Dai-kun!”
“No! Why don't
you get Misa to?”
“Good luck at
college! Remember to smile!” The door slammed shut. Yumi rolled her eyes and
wandered into the bathroom.
“Fucking hell,”
she muttered to herself. Yumi got undressed to her panties and got into the
shower. She turned on the water on her hand
“You've used all
the fucking water! Jesus! Shit!” she complained. Yumi grabbed a towel and
covered her breasts. She stepped out of the bathroom to find Daisuke peeking in.
Her face flushed red.
“Oh, for fuck's
sake!” she shouted. Yumi kicked her brother in the side. “You little pervert!”
“Ow! Ow! Mama!”
Daisuke yelled.
“She's gone to
work, loser,” Yumi said. She kicked him in the side a few more times.
“Ow!” the little
boy complained.
“Fucking hell!”
Yumi complained. She marched down the hall to the room she shared with her twin.
“How many times
are you gonna do that?” Yumi asked. “I need to wash my hair and you've…” She
came in and found Misa sliding on a lacy black tack top. She turned around,
smiling.
“I knew this top
would look fucking bad-ass,” Misa said.
“It's mine,”
Yumi said.
“Yeah. Aren't
you glad I made you buy it?” Misa turned to the mirror and fixed up her short
black hair. “Get dressed, though. We're gonna be late.” Yumi said down on the
bed, frowning.
“I dunno where
you got this thong, but it's cutting me in half,” Misa said.
“You could give
it back,” Yumi said.
“Sorry, you know
it doesn't look as good on you.” Misa turned when she heard a car honking
outside. “Oh, there's Hideki-kun.” Yumi wondered, why do I put up with this?
“Hey, cutey!”
Misa yelled out the window. “I'm just coming! Hooo!” She turned to her sister.
“I'm telling you, cram college? First day? You need to get ready. Cos we're not
waiting for you.” Yumi rolled her eyes as her sister walked out the door.
-------
Hideki waited
outside as the twins and their brother walked out the front door.
“What about my
packed lunch?” Daisuke asked.
“Fuck off,” Yumi
said as she handed him a banana.
You shave your
ass with Dad's Gillette Mach3,” her brother said. Yumi rolled her eyes as he ran
off. Misa and Hideki stood kissing outside of the latter’s car.
-------
“So, Ken goes up
the inside, right?” Hideki said behind the wheel as he drove the twins to
school. I drop back to cover Yoji and Hiro. Took a one-two from Yu, he's gone,
‘Hideki!’ So I drag back over the ball. Looked up, chipped the center back Kon!
Sambo's in on goal.”
“Sambo?” Yumi
asked.
“Yeah, he's got
a lovely sense of rhythm.” Hideki reached under Misa’s skirt. “Whoa! Where's
your panties, girl?”
“That's for me
to know and you to find out, Hideki-kun,” Misa said. Her boyfriend broke into
laughter.
“Nice one! Nice
one, yeah?” They broke into laughter as Yumi squirmed in discomfort in the back.
------
As soon as they
pulled up to Tokyo Cram College, Misa and Hideki were making out. Misa pulled
away, smiling.
“Score one for
me, honey,” she said. “Bye, baby.”
“See you,
Hideki,” Yumi muttered.
“Yeah, yeah,” he
said. Yumi climbed out and tried to pull out her book bag. Hideki turned to the
other twin.
“Yeah,” he said.
“Renault Megane Coupe!”
“Fucking bag,”
Yumi muttered.
“Here, Yumi?
Yumi?”
“Yeah?”
“You oughta
spruce up, yeah? Get some decent threads like Misa-chan. We're having a party in
the Premier Travel Lodge on Thursday. Party fun, yeah? The lads, they love a
twin thing, you know?”
Yumi frowned.
“That's sweet of you, Hideki-san. Can I get back to you on that?”
“Yeah, yeah.
Nice one.” He chuckled as she walked as away.
“Are you Ono
Hideki? That hot soccer player?” a fan girl asked.
“Yup,” he said.
“My friend,
Yoko, wants you to sign her tits.”
“Let me park
up.”
“Your
boyfriend's really hot,” one of Misa’s friends said.
“Yeah,” Misa
said. “He's totally sexy. He took me to the Harajuku last week for surf, turf
and shots.” Her friends all cooed.
“Oooh.”
“I love Ono
Hideki.”
“Wow.”
“Nice.”
“Lush.”
“Foxy.”
“Oh, yeah,
cute.”
“He's signing
Hana's tits!”
“Bonkers!”
Lilith said. She turned to Darcy and Nadine. “What's surf and turf, Dine?”
“Sex,” Nadine
said, puffing out her cigarette.
“Wow!” Lilith
said. “We'll have a whizzer time at this cram college, girls! I'm definitely
going to have surf and turf, ASAP. Mum says boys only want one thing so my plan
is give it to them, lots of times. That way I'll get good at it, be really
popular and maybe my toes will stop throbbing.”
“Bye!” Misa’s
friends said as she walked off. Misa turned around.
“Oh god damn it,
Yumi,” she complained. “Come on, you loser! What's wrong with you? You're always
lagging behind me. Why can't you wear decent clothes?”
“Oh,” Darcy
murmured as she looked at Yumi. “Right, you hate her.”
“Who do I hate,
Darcy?” Lilith asked.
“I'll let you
know,” Darcy said. She and Nadine got up and walked inside.
“Cool,” Lilith
said. The three girls walked inside.
“Let's get this
party started,” Nadine said.
“You want a
lollipop?” Lilith asked.
“No,” the girls
said.
---------
The students
filed into the gym and stood in place. Alex looked around for Darcy. He spotted
her in the front row. She turned and smiled.
“She smiled at
me,” BJ said. “Cool.”
“She, erm,
didn't smile at you, BJ,” Alex said.
“I think you'll
find she did. Mum was right. A lack of pubic hair isn't necessarily a drawback.”
“It is a
drawback.”
“Girls are more
interested in my character than my cock. That's just been proved.”
“She was not
looking at you. Fuck me, you're blind.”
“On the
contrary. My eyesight is keen.”
“Yeah?” Alex
held up an open hand. “How many fingers am I holding up?”
“F…” BJ began to
say before Alex smacked him in the face. “Ow! You always do that!”
“I've got so
much cock hair I can backcomb it and use it like a lure,” James cut in.
“Nice,” a girl
said. The boys looked up and saw Christine. James gave her a twisted smile.
“Like a
Porcupine,”
“Right, you're
all prick,” she said.
“Toosh.”
“You mean
touche.”
“Probably.”
Christine stood
next to him. “Tosser.”
“Nice,” James
said. The doors opened and the staff walked into the gym. He broke into a smile
“Here we go,”
James said.
“Welcome to
Tokyo Cram College,” a pre-recorded voice said. “A meeting place for young
people.”
“God help me,”
one of the teachers muttered.
“Lovely kids, so
full of energy. Makes you feel alive,” Yusuke said.
“They look like
a right batch of fuckers to me,” another teacher muttered. A female teacher came
around in front of Yusuke.
“If I suddenly
get a bit flushed and short of breath, take over, would you, Yusuke-san?” she
asked. The principal gave her a puzzled look.
“Why would you
get flushed?” she asked.
“Just fucking do
it, ok?!”
“No problem,
flushed, right you are.”
The female
teacher turned to the crowd. “Could I have your attention, please? Yes, we are
starting. Excuse…”
Yusuke pulled
out a whistle and a megaphone. He blew said whistle into the megaphone.
“Attention! Pay attention, look you!”
“Thank you,
Yusuke,” the female teacher whispered. She turned to the students. “Welcome to
Tokyo Cream College. We are a designated four-star educational establishment
under the “National We're All in It Together Initiative” leading to ultimate
improvement status. Anyone who screws that up will be officially burnt at the
stake.”
“And expelled,”
Yusuke said.
“Yes, and
expelled,” she said. “God help you all, you're gonna get some qualifications.
Any questions?”
PFFRT! Giggles
filled the room.
“Thank you,” she
said. Now before I turn you over to your form tutors, I'd like to tell you
something about the way in which we organize our…”
PFFRT! More
laughing filled the room.
“Right! Very
funny,” the lady teacher said. “This is a further education college, not a
primary school.”
PFFRT! The whole
room broke into laughter.
“Stop it! Stop
it! I'll cut your balls off, you cheeky little turds! You hear me?” she said.
The teacher cleared her throat.
“I do
apologize,” Yusuke said. “I think I might be at fault. Too much rhubarb on my
rice. Havoc.”
“Right,” she
said.
“You are looking
a little flushed. Do you want me to?”
“No! No. Just…”
She took in a deep breath before turning back to the students. “Last year, we
had some intolerable incidents so, I want to make this easy for you. The
following will result in instant expulsion - smoking on the premises, setting
fire to the premises, consumption of alcohol on the premises, consumption of
drugs on the premises, consumption of pornography on the premises, teacher
abuse, glue abuse, self-abuse, sexual intercourse with any other student,
teacher or animal or combination of the above including oral sex and/or use of
sex toys, on the premises.”
“That was
nasty,” Yusuke muttered.
“Sato-san, our
new head of communications,” the female teacher said, motioning the younger
woman to her. “Miss Reedy is joining us from Where are you joining us from?”
“Um, I had some
time off,” Sato-san said. “Seven years. It was stress-related but feeling a bit
better now, hopefully.”
“Oh, Christ,”
the older woman said as she turned and walked away.
“Form BD1, say
your name, please, when I… Put your hands up, please, when I call your, erm,
name,” Sato-san said, trembling. Another teacher sighed on stage.
“Suzuki Yumi?”
Sato-san asked. Yumi raised her hand
“Suzuki Misa?”
Sato-san asked. Misa raised her hand.
“Brian Jeremy
Jones?” Sato-san asked.
“BJ, present,”
BJ said as he raised his hand.
“James Murdock?”
“Yo!” James
yelled. He and BJ high-fived.
“Darcy
Williams?”
Darcy raised her
hand. Cook made the soft sound of a gun shooting at her.
“Honda Ami? Kok
Hyo-Jin?”
The girl in
front raised her hand. The other female teacher rolled her eyes.
“I'm sorry,
you're foreign,” Sato-san said. Alex Hall?
“Yes!” Alex
said.
“Yes!” BJ said
as he high-fived his friends.
“Takeshi Yayoi?”
“Yes! The
integrity of the unit is preserved,” BJ said. “I'm still deeply unhappy with
you, mind, on account of the unwarranted violence.”
“All right, I
said I'm sorry,” Alex said.
“And Christine
Kellogg?” Sato-san asked. Everyone broke out into laughter.
“Christine
Kellogg?” Sato-san asked again. Yusuke pulled out his megaphone
“Christine
Kellogg?!” he shouted.
“Fucking hell,”
Christine muttered as she raised her hand.
“Hey,
Christine,” James said, grinning. “Now I get it. You’re mental.”
“Only when I
talk to wankers,” Christine said.
“Cool,” he said.
“You gonna hit me with your shoe now, or?” Christine stuck up her middle finger.
“I like her,”
Cook said, laughing. Christine happened to look over and notice the twins. She
sighed and rolled her eyes.
“Oh, Christ,”
she muttered. “Same fucking form.”
“Hey, babe?”
James asked. “Babe? Babe? Babe? Babe?” Christine sighed and rolled her eyes.
“Sorry,” she
said. “I'm not a babe!”
“No? Well, I'll
be the judge of that,” he said.
“Shut up,
James,” Alex said. “Sorry about him.”
“Listen, trying
to break the ice,” James said. “Guess what I've got tattooed on my cock?”
“Jim,” Alex
said.
“No, go on,”
James said. “Guess. What would you say?” Christine raised her hand.
“Excuse me?” she
asked.
“Yes?” the
female teacher asked. “What is it?”
“The boy next to
me is acting inappropriately.”
“How?”
“He wants to
show me his tattoo and not in a nice way.”
“Right.” She
marched over to him. “You!”
“Me?” James
asked.
“Yes! Why don't
you show us all your pathetic tattoo? We can wonder at its magnificent
stupidity.”
“I don't think
you'd like it,” James said.
“Right lad!
Smartish!” Yusuke yelled over his megaphone. “You've had an instruction! Show
her the tattoo, now!”
“All right,”
James said. He undid his pants.
“Wait,” Alex
said. “No, no, no! James, wait, no. Please, please!” Too late, down go his
pants. Two big hands were drawn on his ass. The whole room broke into laughter.
“That is fuckin'
impressive, so it is,” the male teacher said. Sato-san broke down and took off
running.
“No, no, no, no,
no! Let me out! Let me out! Don't make me stay!” she wailed. “Let me out!” She
tried to open the door, but balls spilled out of the closet. James zipped up his
jeans and smiled. Darcy and Nadine smiled back while Lilith sat with her mouth
wide open.
“This is
unacceptable!” the female teacher yelled. “Unacceptable! Silence. Silence!
Silence! You, silence!”
PF-F-FFRT!
“I do apologize
again,” Yusuke said.
---------
Alex and BJ
waited outside the office.
“If I ever, ever
see your face in this office again Get out! GET OUT! GET OUT!” the female
teacher yelled from her office. James walked out like it was nothing. BJ and
Alex followed behind.
“Did she expel
you?” BJ asked.
“For what?”
James asked.
“Well, getting
your cock out in Assembly. I'm guessing, but it's possibly frowned upon. Even in
the state sector.”
“She understood
the bind I was in. I was doing what I was told.
“Very
accommodating,” Alex said.
“Yeah, there was
something about removing my bollocks with a monkey wrench if she ever saw them
again,” James said. “I think we reached an understanding. Right, to business.”
“You mean
education?” BJ asked.
“Women, BJ,”
James said.
“Women? Um I
mean, I feel like we might be I don't want to sort of run before I can walk
Wow…” BJ said. They all stopped before they all saw a sea of women in the
hallway, preparing for class.
“Girls!” BJ
said. “There's a lot of them.”
“Yep,” Alex
said.
“So much
choice,” BJ said. “It's disconcerting.”
“No, it's just a
matter of sorting out the wheat from the chavs,” James said. He spotted Darcy
near a vending machine.
“Ah, there
we are. And the wolf shall lie down with the lamb.”
“You think she'd
lie down with me?” BJ asked.
“No!” James and
Alex said.
“Yeah? Well,
that line is wrong and popularly misquoted,” BJ said. “It should read: 'The wolf
also shall dwell with the lamb, 'and the leopard shall lie down with the kid,
'and the lion and the calf together and a little child shall lead them.” Alex
and James were busy staring at Darcy’s ass.
“Yeah,” Alex
said. “We'll try and pick the bones out of that, B.”
“I could show
her one of my magic tricks,” BJ said. “Dad says it's an ice-breaker.”
“Yeah? Let's try
that out, then, before we go leaping in, and we can see who gets the fatted
calf, right? OK,” James said.
“Yeah,” BJ said.
“You,” James
said before he stopped a random girl in the hall. “Darling, my mate wants to try
out his pick-up routine on you.”
“That OK? Hey,”
BJ said. “Hi, I'm BJ. Pack of cards, nothing funny about them. Except one minute
they're blue and…” Meanwhile, Alex made his way to Darcy at her locker.
“Hi,” he said.
“Hi,” she said.
“You don't mind
if I take this locker?”
“You can take
anything if you want it enough.”
“Great.
Everything's new and I suppose we should probably, like, you know, all get to
know each other.”
“Why?”
“Well, um I
dunno. You definitely looked at me this morning, twice. I just thought, you
know, maybe we could get to know each other.”
“I look at lots
of people. That doesn't mean I want to get to know them.” Darcy walked by him.
Then, she paused and turned around. “Do you want me to want to get to know you?”
“I, er, I
wouldn't mind,” Alex said.
“Thing is, they
want to get to know me too.” She and him looked and saw James and BJ doing magic
for that girl they stopped.
“They're just
wankers,” Alex said.
“They're your
best friends,” Darcy pointed out.
“Okay, so
they're my best friends.”
“That makes it
complicated.”
“I, um, I was
hoping not.” He stuck out his hand. “I'm Freddie.” Darcy walked by him to her
locker.
“Tell you what,
Freddie,” she said. “Fill in a form.” She handed him a sheet of paper with a
checklist on it.
“What's this?”
he asked.
“A list of
things we're not allowed to do,” Darcy said. “Like that head director said
before your bestest mate got his cock out. I was gonna see if I could tick 'em
all before the end of the day. But this is much more interesting. First one to
fill that out gets to get to know me. And no cheating. I'll need evidence.”
“Okay,” Alex
said as she walked away.
“Cos I wouldn't
fuck a cheat.”
“Sorry?” He
looked up, but she was gone. Alex looked at the list and gulped.
“Now watch very
closely,” BJ said to the girl. “Oh! Where's it gone?” He reached behind James’
ear and pulled out a yen coin. “Presto! Presto! Put that away before I lose it.”
BJ pulled out a wallet opened it to the flames. James laughed while the girl
looked bored.
“Fuck me! Yes,
that's alarming,” he said. BJ closed it up and put it away. “So I'll just Ha-ha!
And the coup de grace. Prestissimo!” Water came out of his ears.
“Yeah! Magic!
Question is, pet, does that make you want to give BJ a blowjob?” James asked.
The girl gave him a blank stare.
“Excuse me, are
you fucking deaf or something?” he asked.
“Yes, I am
deaf,” her interpreter said.
So why
don't you give him a blowjob if you love him so much? Assholes, especially you.”
The deaf girl pointed at James.
“Who are we
speaking to here?” he asked.
“Yuri's lip
reading,” the interpreter said. “I'm telling you what she says.”
“Right, right,”
James said. “Cool.” He turned to BJ. “She's got tits like choccy Hob Nobs. I'd
like to dunk 'em, suck 'em and lick off the love. I'm not sure Droopy, lardy
arse. Bit spready, bit low slung. You get me?”
However, BJ
noticed the interpreter signing to Yuri. His eyes widened.
“I think we've
stumbled upon a flaw in your thinking,” he said. James turned and realized it
too late.
“Listen I mean,
wait,” he said. “Hang on.” Yuri kicked him right in the nuts. James went down
hard.
“Presto,” the
interpreter said. “You cunting small-balled arsehole bandit.”
“She may be
deaf, she's also extremely rude,” BJ said as he helped his friend up.
“Yeah,” James
said.
----------
Meanwhile, Darcy
walked the halls. Lilith and Nadine caught up to her.
“I mean, OK, I'm
totally useless and Mum says I have to do Hair & Beauty, but I'm good at
Philosophy,” Lilith said. “I can't understand why I can't do Hair and
Philosophy. You can't cos it turns out Hair & Beauty is one subject, not two.
Blooming Nora, how mad is that?”
“It's
inexplicable, Lilith,” Darcy said.
“Yeah,
Inexplicable.” Then said paused. “What does inexplicable mean, Dar?”
“Can't explain.”
“All right! Suit
yourself, then.”
Meanwhile, Misa
watched them. When a cute by walked by, she stepped out in front.”
“Whoa!” he said.
“Hi, I'm Misa.”
“I'm Makoto and
what do you know?” he asked. Darcy, Nadine, and Lilith walked up behind Misa.
“Hello! Who's
your friend?” he asked.
“Lilith,” Lilith
said, stepping forward. “Wow! You're a corker.”
“Thanks, um It's
nice to I got to go,” Makoto said, looking past them. He quickly walked away.
“Strewth!”
Lilith said. “Do you think he'd do surf and turf with me, Dine?”
“I'll ask,”
Nadine said.
“Gotta go,”
Nadine said. “Lesson one, practical skills. Filing our nails - handy! I'm
Pandora. I'm useless.” She hurried off to class.
“Cute,” Misa
said. “I'm Misa, that's my sister.” She pointed behind her at Yumi. The twin
girl waved.
“Aren't you
Darcy Williams? Haven't you got a really cool brother?” Misa asked.
“Yeah, he's
cool,” Darcy said.
“All my friends
liked him. I wasn't so interested. Didn't he go mental or something? Anyway I've
got a boyfriend. He plays for Tokyo reserves.”
“Impressive.”
“Yeah. He's
really sexy. Let's sit together. We can chat because, you know We're the
best-looking in here, really. Sorry but we are. We should hang out. Definitely.”
Misa happened to look down the hall and see Christine walking their way.
“Oh, no, here it
comes,” she said. “Total lezzer bitch.” Christine and Yumi’s eyes met before the
former came to a complete stop.
“Excuse me,”
Christine said. Misa stepped aside and let her through.
“Like, don't
talk to her,” Misa said. “She tried to kiss my sister in junior high. Pervy.
Don't you think, Dar?” Right then, Christine came back.
“Watch out,
Misa,” she said. “I might get confused and fuck you with my big strap-on by
mistake.” Christine walked off.
“Muff-munching
bitch,” Misa said. She turned to her sister. “Just jumped on you, didn't she?”
“Leave it,
Misa,” Yumi said.
“Whatever,” her
sister said. She turned back to Darcy. “Come on. We'll get the best seats,
yeah?”
“So, you the
doormat, then?” Darcy asked. Yumi froze.
“Sort of,” she
said.
“Interesting,
that you just put up with that.” Darcy walked into the classroom.
“Yeah,” Yumi
said under her breath. She walked into class herself.
--------
“It's a
challenging list,” James said. “You gotta give her that.”
“Sex in school,”
Alex said. “Tricky.”
“Guys, we are
now seven minutes - eight minutes late for form induction,” BJ said.
“Shut up, will
you, BJ?” Alex asked. He looked at James “Do you think she's serious?”
“There's only
one way to find out,” James said.
“Wait a minute,
you're not gonna…
“I've already
got 'teacher abuse' ticked.”
“And how! Your
cock should not be that colour,” BJ said. James nudged Alex in the arm.
“The game is on,
Alex,” he said. “You wanna play?”
“Don't be
stupid,” his friend said.
“Tell you what,
girls like Stupid,” James said. “Ain't you worked that out?”
“And McFly,” BJ
said. “Girls like McFly.”
“She's a
naughty, naughty little girl and I don't like to disappoint,” James said. He
opened up what used to be Sid Wilson’s locker. He reached in and pulled out a
black beanie. “Eh? Someone's left their shit in here.” He reached inside again
and pulled out a porn magazine. “Yeah! Nice! Check this out! Oh, my god.”
“Cook, I'm not
sure if that's legal!” BJ shouted. James looked through the pages.
“Oh, that's
definitely not legal!” BJ yelped.
“Dunno who this
Sid guy was but he's got fucking great taste in gash,” James said.
“I can't look!”
BJ said. “Don't make me look! I have to look!” He took one peek. “Oh, holy shit!
That's forbidden. Forbidden, verboten, interdit!
“BJ!” Alex
shouted.
“Prohibido,
prohibido!”
Alex slapped him
in the face. “BJ! BJ!”
“I'm sorry. Was
I getting locked on, there?”
“Locked on, BJ.”
“Okay. I'm all
right. I'm fine. But can I just remind you, in a casual, non-locked-on way, that
we're late? We're late, we're late, we're late!”
“BJ!” Alex
shouted.
“Sorry,” BJ
said. “I'm fine.”
“We going?” Alex
asked.
“Hang on,” James
said. He reached into his pocket. “Shoot me.”
“Huh?” Alex
asked.
“The fucking
camera. Go on.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out some matches as BJ
took out his phone.
“Right, action.”
He put a cigarette in his mouth with matches in his hand.
“James, what the
fuck are you doing?” Alex asked.
“Action,” James
said. “Do it, man!” He lights up a cigarette and pulls out into the camera. He
stuffed into porn mag in his pants. He pulled out a bottle of sake.
“I was saving
this for lunch but what the fuck?” James said. “Cheers!” He took a drink and
spat it out. He poured the rest of the booze in the locker.
“What the fuck
are you doing?” Alex asked. James tossed the lit cigarette into the locker.
“Whoa!” Alex
said. “Fuck me.”
“Jesus!” BJ
said. “Christ.” James tossed the magazine into the fire.
“Sorted,” he
said.
“You are fucking
mental,” Alex said. His crazy friend held out his arms.
“Mental is as
mental does,” he said. “But we're late. Shall we? Let's go.” James walked down
the hall. “Come on, run! The boys took off in the hall just as Yusuke and
Sato-san came out.
“So, you see,
they don't mean it,” Yusuke said.
That's what you have to remember. They're just kids. Kids! Yes?”
“I, um, I
suppose so,” Sato-san said. “They don't mean it.”
“Have you ever
fallen off a horse?”
“Huh?”
“You have to
drink your milk and get straight back on that horse. Okay? Back. Yes? Uggy,
uggy, uggy!”
“What?”
“Kids.
Cheeky, immature. Harmless. They can't hurt you. Okay?”
“Okay. They
can't hurt me.”
“Good girl.
Saddle up!” Yusuke stuck up his hand in the air, making Sato-san flinch. He
lowered his head and sighed. She took a breath as he walked off. But then, she
smelled smoke. Sato-san turned around and screamed when she saw the locker on
fire.
---------
“Across firmly
and round it off,” the teacher said repeatedly as she shaped her long red nail.
“Across firmly and round it off. Across firmly and round it off.” Lilith was
growing bored in class.
“Smooth the
cuticle, push,” the teacher said. “Smooth the cuticle, push. Remember to
breathe. Smooth the cuticle. Push. Smooth the cuticle. Push.” Lilith raised her
hand.
“Yes,” the
teacher said.
“I'm sorry,”
Lilith said.
“We're filing.
What is it?”
“Well, um,
blimey this is fascinating. Mega fun. But the thing is I have to get out of
here.”
“Sorry?”
Lilith took in a
breath. “I have to go because I've got three super-duper zits coming on.” Her
classmates gasped.
“They're
likeproper seepers,”
“Oh, my God!”
her classmates said.
“Yes, Go! Go!
For God's sake go! Refresh and moisturize,” her teacher said. “Don't waste a
second.”
“Yes,” Lilith
said as she grabbed her things. “Refresh and I'm on it!” She ran out the door.
The confused girl twirled around in the hall.
“Blooming 'eck,
it's big out here,” she said. Lilith skipped to freedom down the hall.
-------
“Right,” another
teacher said as he looked through the handbook. Um…. Now we've gotta Christ.
Fuck it. Okay. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Um… Okay.” He closed up the handbook.
“Whatever We've
gotta stand up, say our names and a unique fact about ourselves,” he said.
“Right, I'll start. Christ.” The teacher rose to his feet.
“I'm Chiba and I
hate being a fucking teacher,” he said. He pointed to a random student. “You.”
BJ stood up.
“Um… I'm BJ and with regard to mathematic aptitude I'm in the top 0.3 percent of
the population which is an interesting demographic statistic because
paradoxically my communication, interpersonal and intuitive skills are towards
the lower quartiles.”
“Yeah,” Chiba
cut in. “You've stopped me in my fucking tracks there, yeah. You.”
Misa stood up.
“I'm Misa. I've never not had a boyfriend since I was seven.”
“Congratulations. You.”
Yumi stood up.
“I'm Misa. I've never had a boyfriend.”
“Shit happens.
You.”
Christine stood
up. “I'm Christine. I hate injustice. People tell lies about me.” She and Yumi
made eyes at each other as Christine sat down
“You at the
back,” Chiba said.
“I'm Shinobu.
I'm gay.”
“Yup, good.
You.”
“I'm Hiromi, and
both my parents are artists.”
“Great, I'm
very, very happy for you. What about you? With the bling.”
Darcy stood up.
“I'm Darcy. And I think my mum's having an affair.”
“Good one. Shows
enterprise. What about you, big man?”
Alex stood up.
“I'm Alex. I met a girl I like today. She's like beautiful.” After a few
seconds, he said, “that's it.” Darcy looked at him when he said that.
“That's it?
That's your unique fact? That's just great,” Chiba said. “Fascinating, Alex,
thank you for that. What about you?”
“I'm Hanako and
I had miso for breakfast.
“Miso, that's
product placement in my opinion. You there at the back beside the wee gay man?”
“My name's Yuki
and seven members of my immediate family have been on Crimewatch.”
“Brilliant, what
a year this is gonna be.”
Darcy looked at
the list almost checked off. She looked and saw James sniffing a glue stick. He
gave her a grin like the Joker. Darcy put up her hand
“Chiba?” she
asked.
“Yes?” the
teacher asked. Darcy lowered her hand.
“I'm feeling
rather shit,” she said. “I think I need to go to the Nurse's office.”
“Oh, yeah? Okay,
go on then. Right,” he said. Darcy got up and walked out the door.
“Where were we?
Oh, stuff it,” Chiba said. “Let's just watch a DVD about Oh, Christ.
How to Be Inclusive. Holy Mother of divine shite, who makes up this
shit?”
“Actually,
Chiba, I'm not feeling too well either,” James said. “My balls are aching. I
might have to go and see that nurse.”
“Right! Bugger
off then,” Chiba said.
“Cheers, Chiba.”
“See if she can
laser Jordan off them.”
“Okay.” James
grabbed the list as Alex frowned in discomfort.
“Right, how the
fuck does this…” Chiba muttered. Lilith peeked into the door and opened it.
“Can I be in
this class? I don't like mine,” she said.
“Why not? Make
up the numbers,” Chiba said. “You doing some advanced levels?”
“One, please.
Philosophy.”
“Okay, sit down.
When you've worked out the point of living, come and fucking tell me.”
“Whizzer!”
Lilith walked into the classroom, but frowned. “Where's Darcy?”
--------
James went to
the nurse’s office and found Darcy sitting on the desk.
“They don't have
a nurse,” she said. James pulled out his list.
“I just gotta
get drugs,” he said. “And sex.” Darcy pulled out a joint as he closed the door.
She took a puff and blew out smoke in his face. One kiss was all it took. They
stripped down and James shoved everything off the desk. He threw her down on the
desk and kept kissing her. Unfortunately, poor Sato-san who was sleeping in the
next bed had the “pleasure” of listening to them screw.
“Grab my balls!” James shouted. “Grab my balls! Grab my balls!” Sato-san broke down, screaming.