Chapter Twenty-Two: I Want to Be Alone:

I looked at another tape in my hand. I just played it and it just added to my self-doubt. Why does Hitomi put so much faith in me? I don’t understand it. I’m not that great. I still don’t know what I want to do. My eyes wandered over to the clock on the nightstand. It’s only one o’clock? I frowned to myself. This is getting me nowhere. I need to get out of here.

I walked over to my door and peeked out. I think they’re still downstairs in the living room. Maybe I can go out the back door without being seen. I probably could. I looked backed on my bed at the box of tapes and Hitomi’s journal. Somehow, it would be wise to take them with me. I stuffed them and my walkman in a bag I found under my bed and quietly crept out of my room.

Once down the stairs, I looked around while keeping my lips pressed together. They’re still in the living room as of right now. I looked down at the other end of the hall. Let’s see, the kitchen is that way and back door is right next to it. I have only one shot at this. I drew in a deep breath. Okay, I can do this, I thought. Three… Two… One! I took off dashing down the hall. Don’t look back! Keep moving! Keep moving! I closed my eyes and kept running. Don’t stop! Don’t stop! When I opened my eyes, I saw the back door just in front of me. After unlocking it, I quietly slipped out into the backyard. I smiled when I stepped outside. I did it! However, I began to frown again. Now what?

I looked up at the heavily-clouded sky. I got outside and now I’m alone. Yet, I didn’t think about what comes after that. It’s just like how my life has been going lately. I don’t even know if the Todai angle will go bust or not. I have the grades to in. I probably could pass the entrance exam. I frowned to myself. However, I’m not sure if that’s what I want to do anymore. I looked back at the house. Yep, they’re still inside. I don’t even belong here.

What the hell am I doing? I put my hands over my head. I need… I need… I looked back at the house again. I need to get away for a little bit, I thought. My attention turned back to the yard around me. Damn, I didn’t realize that this place was so big. My eyes scanned for a gate or a way out. Come on… Take your time and look around, I thought. I held the bag close to my side as I looked left and right of me. Out of the corner, I spotted the answer I needed. I turned to my right and saw the gate. Ha! That’s really clever way to put the exit, guys, I thought. Really good. With one more look at the house, I made my way over to the gate and just slipped out.

I never really noticed this neighborhood before. I was sound asleep when I first came here. Most of my time in the past couple of weeks as spent studying and listening to learn more about Hitomi’s death. This neighborhood looked so nice and modern. I felt like I had stepped back in time in the West. Now, where can I go? I didn’t have much money on me. Crap, I didn’t even bring my wallet with me. I puffed up my cheeks and pouted. Somehow, I keep planning poorly. I smacked myself in the head. Oh well, too late to turn back now. I wonder what else is around in this neighborhood. While I was at it, I selected another one of Hitomi’s tapes and put it in my walkman. After I put on my headphones, I pressed play.

-Hitomi’s Tape-

I don’t know why I’m so messed up. My therapist just terminated my sessions when I needed him the most. It’s probably for the best. He did stare at my legs while we talked. Plus, I think he’s sleeping with my mother. I tried to confront her about it, but she said it was all in my head. I’m not stupid. I’ve seen the way they look at each other. What kind of a therapist calls a client’s mother by their first name? I bet she dumped him and that’s why he chose to terminate my therapy sessions.

-She sighs-

What hurts the most is that I still love him. I tried not to, I mean, I already have a boyfriend, sort of… That’s not the point. I can’t have feelings for Fujioka-sensei. He’s too old for me and he’s not attractive. But… I can’t stop loving him. That’s the part that just sucks. The fact that he was probably seeing my mother is what makes it even worse. I should’ve known he was a predator. He tore what was left between my mother and me.

-Kichiro-

I literally stopped in my tracks. Did I just hear that right? Was Hitomi’s mom really having an affair with her daughter’s therapist? When did all of this happen? Was any of it true? I could never tell which ones of these entries were true or which ones were exaggerated. Nah, her tone sounded really serious in this one. I doubt she would make something up when it came to her mother or me. Come to think of it, Hitomi did mention a Fujioka-sensei in her journal. I can’t remember exactly where I saw it. Now, I have to go back and find it. However, I need to sit down first. I wonder if there is a park nearby. Maybe I could just find a bus stop to read. I tried to work out how to go about this as I walked further down the street. None of this made sense anymore.