Subject: James

James put on his shirt. After getting all spruced up, he headed out with his boys. Today was a good day. James sang aloud and tried to dance with a homeless guy. Alex had to pull him away. James took a drink of sake.

“Dude, calm down a bit,” Alex said. “It's like five o'clock. Neighbours hasn't even started yet.”

“Sorry,” James said. “Actually, no, not sorry. I'm so fucking stoked, man. I'M seventeen today! That's an event horizon, that's a milestone.”

“Isn't 18 traditionally the age?” BJ asked.

“Fuck tradition,” James said.

“Just hope some people turn up,” Alex said.

“They'll come,” the birthday boy said.

“You invited half the college,” BJ said.

“All I know is that it involves my dick getting damp…” James stopped when he saw three prep school boys staring at him. “What are you looking at, you posh student bastards?”

“Fuck off back to playgroup,” the lead posh guy said. James rushed to beat him down, but his friends held him back.

“Fucking wankers, come here!” he shouted. “Come here!” The posh guys took off running.

“Come on, leave it,” Alex said. “Forget 'em.” The boys resumed their walk until they reached their final destination.

“Ah, we're here,” James said. “Best pub in Tokyo!” His boys followed him inside.

“Hello boys,” a woman said.

“All right, Yui,” James said.

“Ay, ay lads, here's the birthday boy!” a pudgy man said aloud from the back. He pulled James into a bear hug.

“Did you do all this?” the birthday boy asked.

“Took me a long time, a good forty, forty-five minutes,” the man said. “Ooh.” He crouched down in slight pain.

“You all right?” James asked.

“Touch of pain in the privates, it's the old whore wound,” he said. “Nothing I can't handle.”

“Oh, these are me boys, Alex, BJ,” the birthday boy said. “Boys, this is Uncle Rick.”

“Hello,” Alex said.

“Pull my finger!” Rick said, holding out a fat finger. Alex and BJ looked at each other for second. BJ moved forward and 'pulled his finger. Rick let out a loud blech and laughed.

“You dirty old bugger!” he shouted. “If you'd be so kind, Yui?”

“Right you are, big boy,” Yui said.

“And when I woke up, the pool was three feet deep in piss,” Rick told James seconds later. “Mum, I shouted, don't jump in! But it was too late.”

“So, you and the Buxton Rovers under one night?” James asked as Alex and BJ drank their sake.

“Just me, the lads, and a shit load of all-inclusive mild. And they never pinned it on me. Plus, you got to remember, this was 1962. I mean, Pontin's was a fairly permissive place back then. Bit like Afghanistan in the '70s. But with the Krankies and slightly more Taliban.”

“Tell that one where you hit Bob Dylan over the head with a box of fish fingers.”

“Another time,” Rick said. “I've gotta go and see a man about a dog. A dog filled with drugs. See you boys.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small baggie. “Oh, happy birthday, Jimmy.” The boys watched him walk out the door.

“That, my friends, is what you call a legend!” James said.

“To who, exactly?” BJ asked.

James looked confused. “What?”

“Who is he a legend to?”

“Me, blokes in pubs, Yui, people,” James pointed around to everyone.

“I think the guy's crazy,” Alex said.'

“Exactly man!” James said with his cup in his hand. “Exactly!” He took a drink. “Same again please, Yui.” The barmaid served him his drink. At this time, the girls walked in.

“Wey! Look, man!” James shouted. “Look at that. Quality totty, that's top shelf shit.” He made his way to the ladies.

“Guys, guys!” he said. He patted Darcy on the shoulder. “Hey baby! I'm so happy to introduce you to my legendary night out in celebration of my birthday.” James frowned at one guy in the crowd. “Apart from you.”

“But I…” one of the guys began.

“What are you doing here! You burnt my house, man! Get out!” James shouted.

“It was an accident!” one of the guys yelled as he shoved them out the door. “I'm sorry!”

“What the fuck?” Nadine asked.

“I'm 17 today, so all bets are off,” James said. “Do what the fuck you like. Flush your mates down the toilet. Eat grapes off each other. Smash speakers over your heads. If partying's a crime, who's gonna get arrested first? Let’s go fucking mental!” He chugged down beer. “Way hey, hey, hey, hey! Party people!”

“For he's a jolly good fellow,” the crowd sang at a table minutes later. “For he's a jolly good fellow. For he's a jolly good fellow. And so say all of us.” James kissed BJ on the cheek and Lilith blew on a noise maker.

“Thanks man, thank you very much,” James said. “What's next? Oh, yeah.” He began pounding on the table. “More drinks! More drinks! More drinks! More drinks! More drinks! More drinks! Yeah?”

“Yeah,” everyone else mumbled. James got up and went to the bar.

“He's fun,” Misa said in a bored voice.

“You have no idea,” Alex said.

“He's already had half a bottle of vodka,” BJ said.

“Really?” Darcy asked. “How crazy!” BJ chuckled.

“Yeah,” he said.

“Shochu!” James shouted. “Who's in?”

“Yeah, okay,” Alex said.

“Anyone else?” James asked.

“Yeah, go on then,” Nadine said.

“Yeah,” Darcy mumbled.

“Airwolf,” James said as he sat down. “Let's go, man.” He howled as everyone took their drinks. BJ and Alex joined in.

“Hey, Jim,” BJ said. “Do you wanna see your birthday trick?”

“Lay it on me, magic man!” James said.

“One pint of normal drinking water,” BJ said as he put a cloth over a glass of water.

“You'll like this one,” Alex said. “I've seen it before.”

“What? He does magic?” Darcy asked. BJ pulled back the cloth and revealed a goldfish in the bottom.

“Wow!” Misa said.

“Shazam, motherfucker!” James yelled. He took the glass and started drinking from it.

“Jim, what you doing?” Alex asked. Lilith threw up on the table when the James almost finished the glass.

“That's gross,” Yumi said.

“What is wrong with you?” Misa asked.

“Yes! Come on!” James shouted. “Someone's been drinking…” He sniffed up the vomit. Milkshake? Strawberry milkshake. Am I right?”

“Yes, how did you know?” Lilith asked.

“Ah, am I ninja, or am I not a ninja?” James asked. He rose to his feet, laughing. “Yui, we've had rejection. We need a bucket, a mop and sixteen shots of Shochuuuuuu!”

Moments later, Christine walked through the door. Everyone looked up and Misa rolled her eyes.

“Oh, great, it's the lesbian come to gay us up,” she whispered.

“Shh I've told you to fucking Just leave it, ok,” Emily whispered.

“Um... hi, everyone,” Christine mumbled. James giggled.

“Hi,” Lilith and Yumi said. Christine took a seat. James crawled over the table.

“Want to know a secret?” he asked.

“What?” Christine asked.

“I know the cure.”

“The cure for what?”

“It's my cock.” Everyone broke into giggles. Christine glared at him.

“What the hell are you talking about?” she asked. Yumi cleared her throat.

“Hey, look what I made,” she said. She pulled out a big cookie cake. James clapped his hands.

“Cake! Top, man, fucking top!” James cheered.

“It's double chocolate chip cookie,” Yumi said.

“Cheers, girl!” he said. “Mmmm, cake.” BJ tried to reach for some, but James smacked his hand away.

“My cake!” he said. “Mine!” Then, James proceeded to eat the whole thing in front of his guests. “Fucking good, man.” He sat back when he was finished.

“Thank you, man,” James said with a thumbs-up. He took a drink of Shochu. “Uh!” James whistled.

“You okay?” BJ asked.

“Yep,” the birthday boy said. “Totally cool. Just a bit you know, full.”

“Can't believe you ate the whole thing,” Alex said.

“Someone had to get this party started,” James said.

“Party? Do you call this a party? Where's the conversation? Where's the dancing? Where are the men?” Misa asked.

“We're men,” the birthday boy said.

“You're boys,” she said.

“Do you want to measure my dick?” he asked. “It's daddy-sized.” He sat back, frowning. “So you lot think this party's shit, yeah?”

“It's a little bit…” Yumi said.

“It could be…” Lilith said.

“It's shit,” Darcy admitted.

-------

“Shit,” James muttered to the thundering sky outside of the pub. “Something's got to happen, man. Something big. Come on, man. I'm ready! Just tell me when. Give me a sign!” A loud roar of thunder ripped through the sky.

“Oh, yeah!” he cheered. “Yeah! Thank you, man!”

“What?” Alex asked one the phone when he stepped outside. “But where are you… I can't hear… I don't have anything, okay?”

“Who is it?” James asked. Alex lowered the phone.

“My sister, Setsuko,” he said.

“Tell her I said hi.”

Alex turned back to his phone. “No, I haven't got anything, okay? You'll have to find your own. No, I don't have any drugs! Bye.” He hung up, sighing.

“Why couldn't you hear her?” James asked.

“She's at some engagement party,” his pal said. “Her mate, Michiko’s getting hitched.”

“So it'll be free bar, free entry, that kind of thing?”

“Yeah, I suppose, why?” Alex noticed the greedy look on James’ face. “No. No, no, no, no, no. No way!”

“Why not?”

“Cos my sister's there, and I don't want to see her. Plus, she doesn't like you very much.”

James pretended to look hurt. “Why not? I'm always touching her and flirting with her.”

“Yeah.”

“Her tits stand to attention when I'm around. I've seen it.”

“Listen to me, we're not going. No. No. No way.”

-------

In the end, everyone followed the boys to Michiko’s party.

“Come on everybody, cos, yeah we going to a party! All right?” James shouted, clicking his heels. However, they were stopped at the entrance to the boat.

“Not coming in,” the bouncer said.

“Why not?” James asked.

“Private party. Plus, underage. Plus, don't like look of you. Not coming in.”

James frowned. “Listen to me, robot. You may rank way above me in terms of strength and size, but at least I can love. Now can you let me in?” James tried to get in, but the bouncer pushed him back

“Not coming in,” he said.

“Listen, fate has brought me here,” James said. Do you understand? You're not letting fate in the club. It's not like fate is wearing trainers. Fate just wants a couple of drinks, a little dance. And fate is actually also desperate for the toilet. Now can we come in? “ He tried again to get in, but was pushed back.

“How about you fuck off?”

“How about you're a fucking cock? I'll fucking break your fucking face, mate!”

“What?”

“I said I'll fucking break your fucking face.”

Alex grabbed James in time. “You'll get your fucking head kicked in here! Come on!” He dragged away his friend.

“Fucking asshole,” Misa said as they started walking away.

“Just chill out, yeah?” Alex asked.

“I don't think he's going to let us in,” Christine said.

“Nah, he's just an obstacle,” James said. “We're meant to go this party. Fate'll sort it. Just wait.”

“Brilliant,” Katie said.

“Fucking idiot,” Yumi said.

“He's such a fucking tosser,” Darcy said.

“Alex?!” a woman asked. “What the fuck are you doing here?” The kids looked up to see two women in fancy-looking dresses. Alex lowered his head.

“Hi, Setsuko,” he said.

“You can't come in,” Setsuko said. “It's private.”

“Don’t be like that, nee-san,” Alex said. “It's Cook's birthday.”

“Unless you've got drugs, fuck off, and take your friends with you,” she said. James tried to cozy up to her.

“Oh, come on Setsuko,” he said. “I'll make it up to you, I promise.” Setsuko pushed him away.

“Yeah, look, it's not my decision,” she said. “It's her party.” Michiko held out her engagement ring.

“I'm getting married,” she said.

“Congratulations,” James said. He gave her a long kiss on the lips.

“Jesus,” Alex said. Finally, James pulled away.

“Will you let us in?” he asked. He pulled out his bag of drugs. The women’s eyes lit up.

“Well, there is a pretty strict dress code,” Michiko said.

“How strict exactly?” James asked, waving the baggie around.

-------

Seconds later, they were in. The kids looked around at the disco and pink set-up. Nobody knew what to make of this.”

“Let's cock and roll, baby!” James shouted.

“Isn't it great?” Michiko asked. “Daddy says nothing's too good for me.” The men gave James pretty strange looks.

“You got that right, babe,” James said. “So, who you marrying?”

“Oh, just some guy,” Michiko said. “He's a bit of a twat.” James groped her on the ass.

“Ah, cheers, man,” he said.

“When she said ‘party’…” Alex said.

“You thought she meant an acid-fueled sex rave without the Mancunians,” Misa said.

“This is more…” BJ said.

“Jelly and ice cream,” Darcy said. Meanwhile, James helped himself to more drinks.

“Uhh, get it down you, girls, he said. “Top freebies, yeah? Love it.” He took a drink from the glass and spat it out. “I hate champagne.”

“Then why you fucking drinking it, then?” Setsuko asked.

“It's free,” he said. The bride-to-be perked up.

“Dad!” she said.

“Michi-chan!” the older man in a black suit said.

“Hi! This is Jimmy!” Michiko said. Her dad patted James on the shoulder.

“Finish your drink, kid,” he said. “Have as much as you like. Nothing's too good for my Kayleigh Right? And I wouldn't want anything to ruin the evening drop the tone Anything at all. Okay?

“Right you are,” James said.

“Enjoy.” The man turned to his daughter. “Michiko. You're almost a woman.” He gave her a quick kiss on the lips.

“Thanks, Daddy,” Michiko said.

“Almost,” her dad said. “See you around, Jimmy.” The man walked away.

“You idiot,” Setsuko said. “Didn't you know?”

“Fuck it, man,” James said. “I'm just getting started.”

“What's the fuss?” Yumi asked.

“He's Toyota Kon,” Darcy said. “The Yakuza gangster.”

“Yeah, legend,” James said

“He murdered those two nuns over a pint of sake,” Alex said.

“Allegedly,” Michiko said.

“I hear he stabbed a policeman in the neck with a stuffed guillemot,” BJ said.

“That's so not true,” the bride-to-be said. She turned to James. “It was a puffin.”

“So,” James said. “Who's for narcotics?”

“Me,” Setsuko said.

“Me,” Michiko said.

“Me,” Darcy said.

“Me?” Lilith said. Darcy turned and gave her a strange look.

“What?” she said.

“I've decided I love drugs,” Lilith said. Everyone got high in the bathroom. James threw back his head and sniffed.

“Ah,” he said. “Rum punch.”

“What is it?” Setsuko asked.

“Uncle Ken's special blend,” James said. “A hallucinogenic opiate and stimulant. Four hours of THC giggles and MDMA highs with a transcendental kicker.”

“Sounds good,” Michiko said.

“Well, come on, then. Jesus,” Setsuko said.

“All in good time, babes,” James said. He turned to Lilith. “Weird girl?”

“Yeah?” Lilith asked.

“Hold that,” he said, handing her the bag.

“Fuck's sakes, are we getting any or what?!” Setsuko asked. Lilith dumped all of the drugs in her mouth.

“No, no, no, Wait!” Darcy said.

“Hang on, what you doing?” Setsuko asked.

“What? Was that wrong?” Lilith asked.

“Did you just swallow my drugs?” James asked.

“She's fucking finished it!” Setsuko complained.

“It tastes horrible!” Lilith complained.

“You're not supposed to eat it!” Michiko said. “It goes up the nose, you idiot.”

“Let's go fly a kite, girl!” James said.

“What about us?” Setsuko asked.

“Well, you can drink some of the weird girl's blood, she's like a walking syringe,” James said.

“My mouth's gone all numb,” Lilith said.

“I'm not surprised!” James said. The younger girls broke into giggles.

“We've done ours, let's go!” Misa said.

“Come on Lily, we're out of here,” Darcy said.

“I said you shouldn't have let them in,” Setsuko complained to her friend.

“Where's the love?” James asked.

“You're an ass, James,” Setsuko asked. Michiko put her arms around the boy’s shoulders.

“You will get us some more, won't you, Jimmy?” she asked.

“Yeah,” he said.

“Cos if you could, that would be - God - really, really great,” she said.

--------

Out on the dance floor, Darcy danced in her own world.

“I need more class A drugs, quick,” James said at the bar.

“Why?” BJ asked.

“Cos that Michiko girl just gave me the look.”

“What sort of look is that?”

“This one.” James tried to look all innocent and flirty at the same time.

“Right, I see what you mean.” BJ turned to Alex. “Alex, we've got to get this man some drugs.”

“Why?” Alex asked.

“Do the look,” BJ said. James tried to look all innocent and flirty again.

“What does that mean?” Alex asked.

“It means I'm getting laid tonight, Al,” James said.

“Please, not Michiko. Think of me and BJ.”

“You're not fucking her.

“I thought you liked Darcy.”

“Yeah, she's a peach. But I already tapped that. Top-dollar shag. She's my last resort. Sure thing, I reckon.”'

Alex frowned. “You shagged Darcy?”

“Oh, come on, Al.”

“When?”

“First day I met her.”

“Why didn't you tell us?”

James took a drink. “Because apart from those times when my cock is up your arse, you have no reason to worry about where it is the rest of the time.”

“But... BJ likes her.”

“I was going to ask her out,” BJ said. “I mean, she seemed like she liked me.”

“You snooze, you lose, dude,” James said. “I've got a snake in my dick that's about to throw up.” Alex stared at Darcy on the dance floor.

Meanwhile, Christine walked outside.

“Christine-chan!” Yumi shouted. “Wait!”

“What?” Christine asked. The Japanese girl caught up to her.

“Where are you going?” she asked.

“Home,” Christine said.

“Don't go.”

“Why not?”

“I dunno. Because…”

Christine but her hands on her hips. “Why does your sister think I'm gay?”

Yumi lowered her head. “Sorry.”

“See you around, Yumi.” Christine walked away.

Inside, it was time for the speech.

“Thank you,” one enforcer said. “Yes, please. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. The father of the bride, Toyota Kon-san.” The crowd applauded as the gangster took the stage.

“So, my daughter's getting married and she couldn't have chosen a nicer guy, Himura Ataru,” he said. “Unfortunately, Ataru couldn't attend today without violating the terms of his probation. He couldn't be here himself, but he is well represented by members of his family.” A spotlight flashed on them.

“Welcome, Himura family,” Kon said. “No more rucks. No more knives. No more pliers. We're gonna be tight as a badger's ass. The Toyota and the Himura brought together in the marriage bed, still fucking each other, but in a good way. Come up here, sweetheart.” Michiko walked onto the stage.

“You've kept yourself pure for so long for this task of peace,” her dad said. “In times of strife, you've lit up my life, and now you're gonna be Ataru’s wife.” Lilith broke into giggling in the crowd. The gangster tried to ignore it.

“And I just want to say…” He touched Michiko’s cheek. “Don't she look a picture? I could just eat her.” They kissed on stage.

“Right, charge your glasses with free booze, and raise 'em,” Kon said. “Michiko and Ataru.” Lilith fell out on the floor.

“Lilith, wake up, you dozy cow,” Darcy said. James got on his phone.

“Hi, it's me,” he said. “I need a favour.”

Outside, James met up with his uncle who pulled up on a motorbike.

“Uncle Rick!” he said.

“All right, Jimmy?” Ken said. He got the drugs and James paid up.

“Cheers,” the boy said.

“Not a problem,” his uncle said. “There you go. Direct from Osaka.”

“You're a lifesaver, Rick.”

“Gotta go, James. Gotta see a dog about a bone. A bone that is my cock.” James patted him on the helmet before he pulled away.

Back on the boat, James hoped to score.

“Get it out, then,” Michiko said.

“Okay,” James said. He began to unzip his jeans.

“Not that,” she said. “The drugs, idiot.”

“Oh, okay,” he said. James zipped up his jeans and pulled the drugs from his pocket.

“Thank you,” Michiko said. She dipped her finger in and took a sniff. “Ooh!”

James raised an eyebrow. “Is that all you're doing?”

“Yep.”

“That was a hamster-sized bump. Don't you want any more?”

“No.”

Okay, so…

“So,” Michiko said. James moved in for a kiss, but she moved away.

“Okay, I'll see you later!” she said. Michiko got up and walked away.

“What? I thought we were gonna bone,” James said.

“And what made you think that?” she asked.

“You've had the drugs and you gave me the look.”

“What look?”

“This one.” James tried to look all sexy and innocent. “That's the "I'll fuck for drugs" look. Now stop arguing and get on my cock.”

“No.”

“Blow me, then. My dick is clean.”

“I don't care!”

“Hand-job? But you've got to let me have a go on your tits whilst you're doing it.”

Michiko rolled her eyes. “Listen If anyone's going to get a lick of my fanny, they'll have to impress me.” She leaned in close to his face. “So… if you do… I'll let you stick it anywhere. My tits, my arse, my armpit… anywhere.”

James’ eyes lit up. “You're filthy.”

“Yes, I am. And look, no panties.” She flipped up her skirt for a quick second. “Whoops. See ya! okay.” With that, James swallowed all of his drugs. Seconds later, he walked out back to the party. James walked up to where the DJ was. Darcy looked up and saw him.

“What's he doing now?” she asked

“Is he going to sing?” Misa asked.

“Yeah,” Alex said. The music stopped and James took the mic.

“Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to dedicate this to a very special lady,” he said.

“Oh, shit,” Alex said. “This is going to be bad.”

“I've been alive forever and I wrote the very first song,” James sang.

“Go on, my son,” someone in the crowd said. James walked into the crowd, got down on one knee, and kissed Michiko on the hand. She giggled, but her father glared at him.

“I put the words and the melodies together I am music, and I write the songs I write the songs that make the whole world sing I write the songs of love and special things I write the songs that make those young girls cry I write the songs I write the songs Oh, my music makes you dance And gives you spirit to take a chance And I wrote some rock 'n' roll so you can move Music fills your heart Well, that's a real fine place to start It's from me, it's for you It's from you, it's for me It's a worldwide symphony I write the songs that make the whole world sing I write the songs of love and special things I write the songs that make the young girls cry I write the songs I write the songs I write the songs that make the whole world sing I write the songs of love and special things I write the songs that make the young girls cry I write the songs I write the songs I am music and I write the songs…” James sang.

Kon marched up with fire in his eyes. Alex tried to stop him, but got shoved aside. Kon kicked James out of a chair and hit him over the head with a bottle.

When he came to, James saw Kon glaring at him on the upper deck.

“I'm upset, Jimmy,” he said. “You made me look like a fucking idiot and I'm not used to that, you know?”

“Are you sure?” James asked. Punch! Kon sneered.

“Stick him up on there!” he barked. “I wanna teach this fucker a lesson he'll never forget.” Two thugs grabbed James by the arms and dragged him to the stage.

“See? You tried to ruin my lovely party,” Kon said. “And now, really, really bad things are gonna happen.”

“It was worth it,” James said. “Her tits were mint.” Punch to the stomach.

“Kon…” Alex spoke up. “Kon-san. He's very sorry. I'll take him home, and we're leaving. We don't want to upset your beautiful daughter anymore.” Kon backed up

“You're right,” he said. “She is beautiful.” His eyes focused on James. “It's your lucky day. Let him go.” The thugs dropped James over the edge. He crashed landed with a shout on the dessert table.

“Not like that, you idiots!” Kon shouted.

“My fucking dress!” Michiko cried.

“Fucking hell, Kon, you fucking told…” one of the thugs said.

“Oh, fuck. Oh, God, whoopsey!” the second thug said.

“Fuck!” Michiko yelled.

“Look at my tracksuit, you weasely little dick!” Ataru’s dad yelled. Kon’s face burned red.

“What'd you say?” he asked.

“You're a weasely cunting dick!” Ataru’s dad yelled. “You fucking Hobbit! And we've all fucked your daughter. Ain't we guys?”

“Yeah!” his men yelled.

“What'd you fucking say? Ah, fuckers!” Kon shouted. He jumped down in and all hell broke loose. James sat on the stage and started laughing.

The kids ran away to escape the brawl. They ran into an underpass.

“That's far enough,” James said.

“Cool party!” Darcy said.

“Cheers,” he said.

“You're fucking unbelievable,” Alex said, trying to catch his breath.

“I needed to get laid, man,” James said, putting in a cigarette in his mouth.

“You're always fucking trying to get laid.”

“I try.  I succeed.” James turned to the girls. “Right? Speaking of which, any of you girls fancy it?”

“No, thanks,” Misa said. “You're repulsive!”

“Weird girl,” James said.

“You're beautiful, but no,” Lilith said. “My tuppence feels all funny.”

“How about it then, Peachy? Looks like it's just me and you.” James said to Darcy. Alex frowned as James and Darcy locked eyes. She slid out from under the birthday boy.

“Come on, Amy Winehouse,” she said to Lilith. “Home.”

“See ya!” Misa said. All of the girls left.

“Come on, we'll go somewhere else,” James said to his boys. “Somewhere with women.”

“Nah,” Alex said. “I ain't going anywhere.”

“Why the fuck not?” James asked.

“I'm tired. I'm going home, all right?”

“It's two o'clock. What the fuck are you talking about, "you're tired"?”

“I'm tired of you, mate.”

“What's that supposed to mean?”

“It means I can't look after you anymore. I can't do it.”

“Oh, fuck you then! Go on, fuck off home!” James shouted. Alex stuck up his middle finger as he walked away. James turned to BJ.

“Coming then?” he asked. BJ watched Alex walk away.

“Sure,” he said.

“Let's go find some fucking women,” James said. The boys walked off for more action. They walked down to the red light district.

“Hey, James,” BJ said. “What is this place?”

“Oh, it's just a club,” James said. “Late night thing, you know? Lots of girls. Friendly.”

“Oh, okay,” BJ said. The boys walked inside.

Turns on the place was a strip club. BJ had never seen so many topless women in one place before.

“Oh, my stars and garters!” he said. One stripper walked by the boys.

“All right, my lover?” she said. She caressed BJ on the cheek before walking away. He blushed as a madam in a pink see-through robe walked up to them.

“Hello boys,” she said. “Looking for a sex dance? You like Mimi?”

“Hello, darlings,” the second stripper said, stroking BJ’s cheek.

“She's double jointed,” the madam said. “So?”

“Slinky! But we're actually after… the other service,” James said.

“Bit of the other?” the madam asked. “Stepping this way, please.”

“The other service?” BJ asked.

“Yeah,” his pal said. “Tonight's your lucky night, GayJay. You get to lose your virginity to an odds-on moderately pretty girl.”

“I'm not sure I want to.”

“Listen to me. Are you a fucking scrawny little mousy queer boy, or are you a man with a functioning set of cock and balls?”

“Um the second one.”

“Good. Come on, let's get our fuck on.” James and BJ followed the madam.

“So,” the madam said. “What sort of thing are you looking for?”

“I'd like a woman with big tits,” James said.

“And you?” the madam asked BJ.

“Er…same thing,” he said. “But not too big, right?” The madam smiled.

“Yes, I know the perfect girls for you,” she said. She turned and clapped her hands. “Yuka! Kagome!” The first woman, a chubby girl walked down the stairs. James laughed.

“Yeah!” he shouted.

“All right, gorgeous?” Yuka asked “This way.” James went off with her.

“And Kagome,” the madam said. “Here she is.” A slender girl with long braids walked down the stairs.

“Hello!” she said. “Oooh, curly hair!” Kagome played with BJ’s hair before she led him away.

“So, will you let me do anything I ask ya?” James asked Yuka.

“Anything,” she said. “But it'll cost you, mind.”

“How much to whack you up the cracker?”

“Hundred.”

“Whoa! That's a lot more than I've got. How much for your straight ahead, run of the mill, bread and butter shag?”

“Seventy-five.”

“What if I'm really good?”

“It don't make no difference, darling.”

James looked down at his feet. “Okay…. I'll guess I'll just have a hand-job then.”

“All right.” She giggled when James unzipped his pants.

Meanwhile, BJ sat nervous in another room.

“This your first time then?” Kagome asked. “You got cash on you?” BJ nodded.

“Right,” Kagome said. “Tick sharp! Clothes off, we'll get you started.” BJ didn’t budge.

“Come on then, let's have a look at it,” she said.

“Okay,” he said.

“You don't have to do anything you don't want to.”

“Could I kiss you?”

“We don't do kissing.”

BJ gulped. “That's all I want to do.”

Kagome sighed. “Screw it. Come on then.”

“Could you… show me how? I've never really…”

“You've never kissed a girl?”

“No. Well… My mum. My Aunt Holly.”

“Right, Aunt Holly.”

“I'm sorry.”

“Come here.” Kagome gave him a little kiss on the lips. BJ broke into a smile.

“That was nice!” he said. “Much better than Aunt Holly!”

“Want to do it again?” she asked. “I don't mind.”

“Yeah!” he said. The two kissed again.

In the other room, James threw back his head, moaning

“Oh, Jesus, Yuka, you've got liquid fucking fingers!”

“You like that?” Yuka asked.

“I like it very much.” James moaned. “Oh Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Harder!”

“Harder! Harder!” a man next door yelled.

“You like that?” another whore asked.

“Harder!” the man shouted. James looked up.

“Who's that?” he asked. “Is that…?”

“Oh, that's just Kon,” Yuka said. “Aki's regular. Seven inches. Freaky foreskin. Big tipper.”

“Naughty boy!” Aki shouted next door.

“Wicked!” James shouted. He got dressed and rose to his feet.

“Sorry if you're fucking, sorry if you're fucking, Sorry if you're fucking…” he said, walking into the room with BJ and Kagome with his eyes covered. He opened his eyes and saw him kissing.

“What kind of fucking gay shit is this?” James asked.

“James!” BJ said.

“You're supposed to be banging her, not canoodling!”

“Sorry.”

“Pay the girl, BJ. Something's come up, and I'm not talking about your willy.”

“No, no,” Kagome said. “No charge. I can't charge for a kiss.”

“Really?” BJ asked.

“Actually, no,” she said. That'll be a 50,000 yen, please.” BJ quietly pulled out his wallet and paid up. Seconds later, James led BJ down the hall.

“What's going on?” BJ asked.

“Shhh!” James said.

“You like that?” Aki asked in the room. “Madame Aki, say Madame Aki! Electrocution!”

“Electrocution!” Kon yelled.

“Behind this door is opportunity!” James said to BJ.

“Not enough!” Aki shouted.

“Enough!” Kon shouted.

“What do you mean?” BJ asked James. “Who's that?”

“It's Kon…!” James said.

“Yes! Now you stay here, naughty boy.” Aki said. “I'm gonna get the barbed wire.”

“Quick, hide!” James whispered before he dragged away BJ behind a curtain.

“Yes, Madame,” Kon said. “Thank you.”

“Right, come on,” James whispered to BJ. “You're my witness! To what? This is gonna blow your mind!” The boys dashed into the room.

“Fucking hell!” Kon shouted, pinned down to the Y-board.

“Look who it is!” James said. “Say cheese!” He whipped out his phone and started taking pictures.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Kon asked.

“We're visiting, Kon. Look at you!”

“Fuck off. I'm busy!”

James laughed. “‘Shut the fuck up, or I'll fucking punch you in your fucking cock!’ So, who'd have thought big bad gangster man Toyota Kon likes to be spanked like the naughty boy he is?”

“I like spanking. What's your problem?

“You ruined my chances of sleeping with two girls tonight by making me look stupid. So, once I show this little Kodak moment to everyone I know, you're gonna look stupid, and I'll be a legend for managing to take it. This is mine now! See you around.”

Kon lifted his head. “You don't have the balls to show that photo.”

James raised an eyebrow. “What?”

“I said, you don't have the balls to show that to anyone.”

“Right? You're a fucking helpless little pussy. Watch me.”

“Do you know who I am? What I can do?”

“Yeah!”

“You heard what I said, boy.”

“Why don't you say it once more? You don't have the fucking balls! You don't have the fucking balls! You don't have the fucking…”  James cranked up the electricity on high, making the gangster scream. The boy laughed at him pain.

“Turn it off!” Kon yelled.

“James!” BJ yelled. “Come on, let's go!” The boys turned to leave.

“Hey, Jimmy,” Kon spoke up. “Does your mama know where you are?” James paused and turned.

“What?” he asked. Kon smirked.

“Your mama,” he said. “I bet you're the apple of her cunting eye.”

“Shut up,” James barked. “Don't speak about my mum.”

“I think you came here to see her, didn't you?”

“Shut up! Because your mum is a fucking slut!”

James ran forward and punched him in the face. “Shut up about my family! You don't know me, so shut the fuck up!” He punched him again.

“That's enough! James!” BJ shouted.

“Do you know who I am?” James asked. “What I can fucking do?!”

“Please, stop it!”

“I'm James! I'm fucking…!”

“Stop it!”

“I'm Jamesssss!”

“Stop it, man!” BJ tried to grab him off, but James turned around and raised up his fist to punch him.

“It's me!” BJ cried. “It's BJ!” James finally calmed down enough.

“Fucking shit…” he muttered. “Fucking bastard… Fucking shit… Fucking cunt…” The boys began to walk away.

“Kid, kid!” Kon yelled. “I like you, kid. You're all right.”

“Shut up!” James yelled as he walked away.

“The next time I see you, you’re dead,” Kon said.

--------

James wandered back to Alex’s house. He threw rocks at his’s pal window until he opened the window.

“James, what the hell are you doing?” Alex asked. “It's six am. It's Saturday morning. Everyone's asleep, including me.”

“Wait! Wait!” James shouted.

“Shhh! What?”

“I need to speak to you.”

“Okay, Okay, I'll meet you in the shed.” Alex went back into his room and closed the window. Minutes later, he found his old friend in the shed, drinking a beer. Alex shook his head.

“Jesus, man,” he said. “Have you not stopped drinking?”

“Oh, don't be a cock about it,” James said. “I've been up all night.” He took a drink of beer. “So what are we doing today, then?”

“Didn't you hear what I said last night?” Alex asked.

“Oh, come on, man. You were just in a bad mood.”

“Yeah, I was. Cos you almost got us killed.”

James set down his can. “Yeah, sorry about that.”

Alex all but laughed. “You're apologizing? That's a first.”

“Something happened,” James said. “I wasn't me. I was me. I don't know. I did something stupid.”

“That's nothing new.”

“Something really stupid. Something I wouldn't have done if you was there.”

Alex frowned. “Right. So you've come here to ask me to look after you all the time. Make sure you don't do anything stupid ever again.”

“Something like that,” James said.

“No.”

“What?”

“I'm not going to do that.”

“Why not?”

“Cos lately, it's like you go looking for trouble.”

“I wouldn't say I go…”

Alex sighed and rolled his eyes. “Do you want to die, mate? Is that what you want? You're drinking yourself to death, you're fighting gangsters. I don't even want to know what happened last night. You're killing yourself to impress some pissed-up old wanker in a pub.” His friend began smiling.

“Why are you smiling?” Alex asked. James crawled over to his side.

“Because it's us… isn't it?” he asked. “Me, you and BJ. Best mates for life.”

“You're not taking me with you, okay?” Alex said.

“I fucking love you, man. I fucking love you to bits.”

“I…” Alex buried his head in his hands. “Yeah. Okay, but you've got to stop all this crazy shit.”

“Shut it, you pussy,” James said.

On the way home, James jumped back because he thought he heard gun shots. Turns out, it was only a motorbike rushing by. Once he calmed down, he began laughing and singing as he walked home.

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